


long live the car crash hearts

by klaineanummel



Series: Story of My Life [3]
Category: Glee
Genre: Age Difference, Alternate Universe, Angst, Happy Ending, M/M, seriously a lot of ANGST
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-01
Updated: 2018-02-01
Packaged: 2019-03-12 11:24:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,854
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13546341
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/klaineanummel/pseuds/klaineanummel
Summary: Blaine learns the hard way that not every relationship can be perfect all the time.





	long live the car crash hearts

**Author's Note:**

> Hello everybody! Welcome to part three of my story of my life verse!! 
> 
> This is the second of three follow-up fics I had planned when I finished the first fic, and the third is written and just awaiting editing (though it does not focus on Klaine). Which means the official follow-ups are complete, and I am now going to be writing as much as I can fit into this verse before I lose my mojo on it! (So if you have any prompts please send them my way! I can’t promise to fill them, but I can promise to try my best!)  
> Warning for this fic: it is angsty as HELL. This is Kurt and Blaine’s first big fight as a couple and it’s a doozy. Happy ending, though! So stick around for it!  
> Because it’s angsty, I am hoping to post my first Valentine’s challenge fic soon to make up for it ;) I’m hoping to have that done before I go to bed tonight, but it might not be til tomorrow. Either way, fluff is coming soon after the angst!  
> This is dedicated to the lovely @mailroomorder who helped me out SO FUCKING MUCH WITH THIS FIC (and with every fic i write lets be honest here). I love you, darling <3
> 
> Thank you so much to everyone who has read this fic, and who continues to express interest in this verse. I’m sorry there is always so much angst, but I promise that fluff is coming :) I hope you enjoy, and I will see you all soon!
> 
> Title from "Thriller" by Fall Out Boy

**July 9th, 2024**

Blaine glances at the clock on Kurt’s wall, tapping his fingers against the warm, burgundy tablecloth he’d purchased just for this occasion.

It’s his and Kurt’s second month anniversary, and he knows that it isn’t something that most couples would celebrate, but Blaine is excited. Two whole months with his soulmate by his side. Two beautiful, amazing, peaceful months. Two months with the man he never thought he would have; two months that couldn’t have been more perfect if he tried.

He wants to celebrate these two months, so he’d decided to surprise Kurt with a romantic dinner after work. He’d gone all out, too, buying lobster and cooking it in that special way that Kurt likes, which takes an extra hour of carefully watching the oven until they are just right. He made sangria, and garlic bread, and has brownies from scratch cooling on the countertop.

As he’d made the food, he couldn’t help but picture Kurt’s reaction to it. Kurt coming home to the smell of perfectly baked lobster, giving him a passionate kiss in thanks. Kurt, excited that Blaine was finally using the key to his apartment Kurt gave him two weeks ago, which Blaine had held off using for exactly this reason. Kurt, feeding him lobster, then bites of brownies, before grinning and pulling him into his bedroom with that sly grin of his.

He knows it will be perfect, a reflection on the past two months.

Except it isn’t perfect, because Kurt should have arrived home about an hour ago.

He sighs, wondering if he should call Kurt, even though it would ruin the surprise. He knows Kurt, and he should have considered the possibility that Kurt might spontaneously decide to go to the Spotlight Diner, or out for drinks with co-workers. Usually he texts Blaine if he decides on something like that, though, and Blaine’s phone has been adamantly silent for the past hour.

He stands up and goes to the kitchen, carrying the plates of cold lobster with him. He places them gently in the oven, still slightly warm but not warm enough to cook them further. He then goes back and grabs the garlic bread, placing it next to the lobsters in the oven. He leans against the counter, sighing.

Maybe a surprise wasn’t the best way to go about this. Especially with food that can’t really be reheated.

The sound of a key struggling with the lock rushes through the silent apartment, and Blaine perks up, striding over to the doorway and leaning against it, watching the door open and Kurt walk in.

He smiles, expecting Kurt to instantly notice him, but instead Kurt closes the door gently before leaning heavily against it, his eyes shut tight. Blaine frowns at the sight, and at the way that Kurt exhales heavily through his mouth.

“Kurt?” he asks carefully, taking a small step into the living room.

Kurt’s eyes fly open, instantly finding him. He raises a hand to his heart, letting out another deep breath, this one in relief.

“Oh, my god, Blaine,” he says. “You scared me.”

“Sorry,” Blaine says, continuing to move towards him. “Are you okay?”

Kurt stares at him hard, like he’s a puzzle he just can’t figure out, hand slowly lowering from his chest. Blaine’s heart stutters in his chest. Kurt has _never_ looked at him like this.

“I’m…” Kurt starts, but trails off, licking his lips nervously. He glances behind Blaine, noticing the table. “You made dinner?”

Blaine doesn’t care about that anymore. “I wanted to surprise you,” he says off-handed. “Seriously, Kurt, what’s wrong? You look really…” he doesn’t finish, doesn’t know how.

“It’s nothing,” Kurt says, shaking his head. He closes the last bit of space between him and Blaine, placing a kiss on Blaine’s cheek. It feels hard, though, nothing like the sweet ones Kurt’s bestowed upon him in the past.

Kurt continues walking past him, draping his bag over his chair.

Blaine turns slowly, his head and heart an absolute mess. “Kurt.” The man looks up at him, clearly aware that he is not fooling Blaine for a second. “Kurt, please,” he says, feet frozen in place, staring at the man he loves. “What’s wrong?”

Kurt stares at him, unspeaking, and Blaine’s head is going in a thousand different directions.

“Kurt, please,” his voice cracks a little. “Kurt, you have to tell me what’s wrong because I can’t… I’m…”

Every tiny insecurity he’s ever had about their relationship is flying through his head. Every thought he’s shoved aside, ignored, forced into a tiny box to make room for _perfect, perfect, perfect_ has broken free. The whispers of his own mind betraying him are driving Blaine mad, and Kurt is just standing there, staring and staring.

He tries to shove his thoughts aside, tries to ignore the pangs that the slippery wonder of _he changed his mind_ and _he’s leaving you_ bang against his heart. The irrational _he cheated_ with someone older, more sophisticated; the terror of _it’s Elliott, Elliott’s back, he’s leaving me and getting back together with—_

“I was talking to a co-worker,” Kurt finally says, breaking through the fog in Blaine’s mind. “About you.”

Blaine barely manages a single nod to let Kurt know that he’s listening.

“I… I didn’t even realize that I hadn’t said your name, that I just called you ‘my boyfriend,’ but he asked how we got together, and I mentioned the wedding, and he…” Kurt closes his eyes, winces almost painfully, and fear pounds at Blaine’s heart like a jackhammer. “He said ‘Oh, why didn’t you just say you were back with Elliott.’”

Blaine’s heart falls right out of his chest.

Kurt shakes his head, eyes opening but not meeting Blaine’s gaze. “I told him that I wasn’t seeing Elliott, I was seeing you, and he was very flustered, and apologized, but I heard him as he walked away saying ‘geez, can you blame me, it’s the exact same story’ under his breath. And now—” Kurt runs his hands through his hair. “Fuck, I’m sorry, Blaine. You don’t want to hear about this.”

“What?” The word comes out like a gasp. “Of course I want to hear this, Kurt, how could you even say that?”

Kurt licks his lips again, and when he turns to meet Blaine’s eyes, Blaine sees the wetness in them. Blaine’s breath comes quicker, and he wants to tell his brain to _shut up, shut up_ , but it’s whispering in his ear again, every worst possible scenario creeping up on him as Kurt stares at him like his heart is breaking.

“Well, I just can’t stop thinking about what he said. About how it’s the exact same story. And now...” Kurt clears his throat, though his voice still sounds raw as he continues, “I can’t help but wonder if I’m just making the same mistakes I made with Elliott, but with much higher stakes.”

It’s like someone reached into Blaine’s chest and pulled his heart out. He suddenly feels fifteen again, sitting in a hospital bed after the worst night of his life, being told by the man he loves more than anything that it’s impossible, that it’s _wrong_ , for him to love Blaine back.

His head jerks from side to side, not really a shake, and he feels tears flooding his eyes and mucus filling his nostrils.

“Don’t, Kurt,” he says, trying to keep his voice firm, knowing full well he sounds pathetic. He raises his hands quickly, holding them in front of his body, as if he will physically be able to stop Kurt from doing this. “Don’t you dare break up with me, Kurt, I can’t – I don’t know how—”

“What? Break up with you?! No, Blaine, no,” Kurt says, shaking his head instantly, but not making a move to step forward and physically comfort him. “I’m not breaking up with you, I wouldn’t, not over something this stupid. I’m just all in my head right now, and I keep thinking about how he’s right, how we got together the same way, and what if that’s a sign?”

“A sign of _what_?” Blaine spits, insecurities filling his body, making him shake.

“That I’m just making the same mistakes again! That I’m throwing myself into something I haven’t really thought through, and it’s going to end even worse than before, because you mean so much more to me than Elliott ever has, and—”

Every word is like a car running him over. “You think our relationship is a mistake?” Blaine’s voice is barely there, drowned out by the voice whispering _I told you so, I told you so, I told you he doesn’t really love you, I told you it was too good to be true, why did you lock me away you stupid son of a bitch, you fucking moron, you knew this would happen, I fucking told you—_

“No!” Kurt says. “No, this is coming out all wrong. I wasn’t expecting you to be here, I’m sorry, my mind is working so fast, and I—”

“You’re not the only one, Kurt,” Blaine says. “Now, please – for the love of god, _please_ – explain to me what you mean by repeating the same mistakes that isn’t supposed to imply that our relationship is a mistake?”

Kurt runs a hand through his hair, looking almost desperate. “Fuck, Blaine, can you just give me a minute to collect my thoughts?”

“No, Kurt, because if I give you a minute I will literally go insane, I am so goddamn close to losing my mind, so please tell me what you meant by that.”

“Don’t do this,” Kurt says. “Don’t put me on the spot like this. You know I’m not good on the spot, and you always put me on the spot!”

“Don’t turn this on me,” Blaine says, feeling anger rising inside him, taking over his fear. “Don’t you dare turn this on me, when you’re the one who just said that our relationship was a mistake.”

“I didn’t say our relationship was a mistake! I would never call you a mistake, Blaine, not for one second! I meant that the way we jumped into this, both feet forward, without really sitting down and having a deep conversation about what this all means. About our expectations, and how we can realistically meet those expectations. About contingency plans, if things go south. We just went right into it, just started dating, and that’s exactly what I did with Elliott. I didn’t think about it, I didn’t even take a moment to say ‘hey, what happens if this all goes to pot?’ and look where that left me! I haven’t spoken to Elliott in over two years, and he used to be my best friend!”

He must be having some kind of out of body experience. Everything is floating around him, and he is no longer on the ground. He’s astral projecting, or something, because there is no way this is happening.

“We did talk about expectations,” Blaine says, trying to remain as calm as he can. “I told you what I wanted out of this relationship. I told you I was in, from day one, and that if you couldn’t handle that that you shouldn’t even try. _You_ said that you were in, that you felt the same way, that this was _it_ for you. And now you’re saying we didn’t talk about it enough? What about ‘This is it for me, don’t ask me to be your boyfriend if you can’t handle that’ wasn’t clear enough for you, Kurt?”

“But that’s just it!” Kurt says, voice louder than it needs to be, and Blaine flinches. “That’s _just_ it. That’s the only conversation we had.”

“Why are you saying that like it’s my fault?” Blaine asks, a hand coming up to his chest. “ _You_ could have initiated that conversation just as easily.”

 “I’m not blaming you, Blaine. I’m stating a fact, I’m telling you that we didn’t fully discuss what this all really means, we just agreed we were all in and expected everything to be perfect but--”

Blaine’s jaw sets, and he takes a small step back. “But it’s not,” he replies, and Kurt sighs.

“No, it’s not.”

Blaine shakes his head, taking another step back. “I don’t understand this, Kurt,” he says, trying to keep his voice level despite the emotions crashing over him like a wave. “We’ve had two amazing months, and now you’re telling me you think it was all a mistake, I just don’t…” he trails off, shaking his head again.

Kurt groans, and Blaine instantly recognizes it as his exasperated groan. “Can you stop putting words in my mouth?” he asks, hands going back up to his hair. “Stop saying that I’m saying our relationship is a mistake, that is _not_ what I’m saying.”

“That _is_ what you’re saying! You’re saying we didn’t think this through, which was a mistake. You’re saying we’ve been living the past two months on borrowed time, which was clearly a mistake. You’re saying--”

“I’m not saying any of that, oh my god! Can you just shut up for a second and let me think?”

Blaine’s hands clench into fists, fury rushing over him. “Don’t tell me to shut up, Kurt,” he says, voice thin. “Don’t you dare tell me to shut up, not after I made you an amazing meal and you waltzed in here and--”

“Oh, my god!” Kurt shouts. “Oh my god!” He’s pulling at his hair now, and Blaine doesn’t think he’s ever seen Kurt like this.

“Stop shouting,” Blaine says, coming dangerously close to shouting himself.

“Stop acting like I can’t have flaws!”

Blaine reels back, feeling like he’s been slapped.

“Excuse me?”

“I’m sorry that I’m not the perfect boyfriend you always dreamed of, I’m sorry that I can’t make all your wildest dreams come true, I’m sorry that I can never live up to the amazing fantasy version of myself that you built up in your head for _twelve fucking years, Blaine_. I’m sorry I’m a goddamn human being who makes mistakes, okay?”

“Why are you suddenly angry at me?” Blaine asks, hands flying up into the air. “What are you even talking about? I don’t think--”

“Yes, yes you do,” Kurt says, pointing accusingly. “Don’t think I don’t see the way your face falls when I don’t react how you want to something. You think I didn’t notice how much you were pouting that day I wanted to stay in instead of go out for a picnic in the park? You think I don’t see the way you fake a smile every time I suggest something you don’t really want to do? You think I don’t see the way you pretend like everything is okay, even though you are clearly dying to tell me off for ruining some incredible plans that you made up in your head and didn’t consult me on at all?”

Blaine’s eyes are wide, and his arms slowly lower, eyes narrowing in Kurt’s direction. “What the literal hell are you even _saying_ right now?” He spits the words out, and his tongue feels heavy.

“I’m saying that I’m tired of you expecting me to be somebody I’m not, and I’m tired of you pretending like you aren’t upset about it!”

“I don’t expect you to be anybody but yourself, Kurt, I don’t even understand--”

“Oh, no? So, you’re not upset because you planned this surprise dinner, but I dared to have some human feelings other than happiness, and now it’s all fucking ruined? You’re not mad because you saw this entire evening playing out in your head and it’s not going that way at all?”

“I’m mad because you’re trying to change the subject, trying to switch the blame onto me, when you’re the one who said--”

“Stop it!” Kurt shouts, taking a step toward Blaine, arms fanning out wide as he says it, hair sticking up in all different directions. “Stop acting like you aren’t upset because I ruined your perfect plans! Stop pretending like you don’t want to yell at me for derailing the evening, for daring to have some fucking human emotions!”

“I’m upset because you said that our relationship was a mistake, and now you’re trying to act like that’s _my_ fault because I’ve been trying to make this relationship good.”

“I don’t need you to try and make this relationship good, Blaine!” Kurt says. “The relationship should _be_ good without you bending over backwards to make it perfect one-hundred percent of the time, and if things don’t go how you want them to, then you need to _tell me_. Be upset with me, be angry, let me know that I ruined your plans, don’t just smile and act like nothing is wrong, even though you’re spitting mad that I’m not the person you want me to be!”

“I’m still so confused,” Blaine brings his hands up to frame his face, trying to wrap his mind around what Kurt is saying. “Are you mad that I want you to be perfect, or are you mad that _I’m_ trying to be perfect?!”

“Both!” Kurt shouts. “You’re doing both! And the fact that you keep pretending like nothing is wrong makes it impossible for us to deal with the fact that I am clearly letting you down, and that this relationship isn’t what you expected it would be. If we don’t deal with that, then how the hell are we supposed to have an actual good relationship?”

“We _have_ a good relationship!” Blaine finally breaks and shouts back. “We have had an amazing two months together, they have been better than I ever imagined, so I’m sorry if I’m confused about where the hell this is even coming from, because to me, these past two months _have_ been perfect.”

Kurt shakes his head as Blaine catches his breath. He hates yelling, especially at his boyfriend, especially at _Kurt_. He’s never yelled at a boyfriend before, not like this, and he hates this, he hates that it was Kurt, it shouldn’t be Kurt, not when--

His eyes widen, suddenly realizing what Kurt means.

“They haven’t been, Blaine,” Kurt says, voice hard, but no longer shouting. “You know as well as I have that they haven’t been, that we’ve just been pretending that they are because we’re so afraid to deal with the reality that this is really fucking hard.”

Blaine shakes his head right back at Kurt, matching the movements of his head. “This isn’t fair,” Blaine says, voice still at the edge of shouting. “You can’t just walk in here and call our relationship a mistake and then turn this all on me. It isn’t _fair_ , Kurt.”

And just like that, the frustration returns to Kurt’s eyes. “Can you fucking _stop_ with that?! Stop saying I said our relationship is a mistake, stop saying I’m deflecting, stop putting words in my mouth and actually listen to what I’m saying to you!”

“I _am_ , Kurt, but what you’re saying makes no sense!” Blaine shouts back. “You just keep shouting at me, and you keep blaming me for things so that you won’t feel guilty about breaking up with me even though you said you wouldn’t!”

“Will you _stop putting words in my mouth_ ,” Kurt screams, eyes so wide Blaine is worried they will fall right out of his head. “I already told you that I am not breaking up with you!”

“Oh, okay, so then can you explain why you’re yelling at me about how our relationship is a mistake, how I’m trying to be perfect for you, but also demanding that you be perfect? You’re basically laying out all the reasons why you don’t want to be in this relationship and blaming me for them, and then telling me not to put words in your mouth as if I’m not just repeating everything that you’re saying.”

“You aren’t! You’re purposefully twisting my words so that it sounds like I want to break up with you when I have told you explicitly that I don’t. What I don’t understand is _why_ you’re doing this, Blaine.”

“Wow!” Blaine laughs sarcastically. “Wow, you don’t understand something that I’m doing, huh? Man, that must be tough, it must be so damn hard, Kurt, to not understand what I’m doing or what I’m saying. I can’t fucking imagine how that must feel, _Kurt_.”

“Can we just stop?” Kurt shouts the words, hands framing the sides of his face. “Can we stop shouting for just one second so I can fucking think? I told you not to put me on the spot--”

“Stop blaming me for everything!” Blaine shouts. “I get it, you think our relationship is a mess, I’m a huge let down, this was all a giant mistake, I _get it_. But stop acting like this is all my fault, stop trying to pin all the blame on me when _you’re_ the one who wants to break up with me!”

“I told you that I _don’t_ \--”

“Because I refuse to make you think that this is my fault, okay, Kurt? _You’re_ the one who wants to pull the plug, even though you told me you were serious about this, you told me we were serious, that you wouldn’t break up with me, that we were _it_ for you. You’re the one going back on your word, you’re the one whose breaking my heart _again_ , so just fucking do it and stop beating around the bush and pushing all the blame on to me, okay?”

“ _Stop putting words in my goddamn mouth, Blaine_!” Kurt screams, eyes shut tight. “Don’t act like you don’t know what you’re doing, shoving all of this on me!”

“Excuse me? I’m not shoving anything onto you, _you’re_ the one--”

“Because I already feel guilty enough about making you wait so long, okay, Blaine? It eats me up inside, every goddamn day, knowing how much I’ve hurt you over the years. You know how many nights I’ve sat up watching you sleep, thinking about how you should kick me out on my ass for everything I’ve put you through? So don’t fucking throw this in my face, because I already feel shitty enough about it.”

Blaine feels like everything is slipping through his fingers. He stares at Kurt, hands shaking, entire _body_ shaking, head jerking back and forth, trying to understand how things got so messed up so damn fast.

“Why are you acting like this is something I should know about?” Blaine asks, voice slightly lower, but no less angry. “Why are you saying this like this is an insecurity you’ve told me about and I’m using against you? How the hell am I supposed to know that you’re feeling these things when you haven’t mentioned them once?”

“Good question, Blaine,” Kurt throws back, no longer yelling either. “How was I supposed to know that the words ‘I’m worried I’m repeating past mistakes’ would instantly make you jump to the conclusion that I wanted to break up with you?”

Blaine stares at him, jaw tight, hands clenched. “Why is it that every time I ask you a question you turn it around on me?”

“Why is it that every time I answer a question, you twist my words?” Kurt retorts. “God, Blaine it’s like you _want_ to think that I’m going to break up with you!”

Blaine continues to stare, watches the way Kurt’s eyes widen in mockery, his head juts slightly to the left. He swallows thickly, tries to keep his voice calm. “What exactly am I supposed to be thinking here, Kurt?” he asks. “You walked in here upset, told me it was because your co-worker pointed out that we got together the same way you and Elliott did, and told me you felt you were repeating the same mistakes as you did with Elliott. You _broke up_ with Elliott, Kurt, and now you haven’t spoken for two years. What was I supposed to think when you said that, huh?”

“You’re supposed to believe the words coming out of my mouth, not the ones you’re putting there yourself!” Kurt says, voice rising again. “I told you the mistake we made was not discussing this properly, not coming up with contingency plans, which is the exact same damn thing I did with Elliott. I just followed an impulse and kissed him, and look at what happened!”

It feels like all of Blaine’s insecurities just slapped him in the face. His entire body shakes with fury as he asks, barely on the edge of a scream, “Our entire relationship is an _impulse_?!”

Kurt covers his face with his hands. “Blaine, I told you I’d only realized I loved you five minutes before I told you.”

“Yeah, but you also said you’d liked me for _six months_. You told me you were serious about me! You told me that you weren’t goofing around, that this was it for you, too!”

“Okay, can you stop? Stop talking about how we’re ‘it.’” Kurt’s arms are spread wide again, and he’s coming close to yelling. “I told you that I was serious about this relationship, I told you this wasn’t just a fling, that I wasn’t just doing this to check if I actually liked you. I never said _anything_ about this being ‘it’ for both of us.”

Blaine’s jaw drops. “I told you that I knew where I wanted this to go, and you told me you felt the same way!”

“Yeah, I do, and I still feel that way, but that doesn’t mean that there is now absolutely zero chance that we’ll ever break up!”

Blaine raises his hands defensively. “I’m sorry, how is this supposed to be proving to me that you _aren’t_ trying to break up with me right now?”

“I am _not breaking up with you Blaine_ , for fuck’s sake!” Kurt’s eyes are still wide, arms waving about dramatically. “But you can’t tell me that you really thought that there was no chance that we’d ever break up. That we’d get together and it would just be perfect, perfect, _perfect_ ,” he spits out the last one, like it’s poison.

Blaine can feel his jaw tensing again. “Why are you saying that like it’s a bad thing? Wanting a nice relationship isn’t bad, Kurt.”

“Yeah, but wanting a perfect relationship that never has any problems and where everyone is just their ideal self 24/7 is impossible! And maybe one day I’ll fuck up really badly, and you’ll realize you don’t want to be with me, or vice-versa. It’s not an impossibility, Blaine.”

“Clearly not, since you’ve obviously been gearing up to break up with me from the minute you walked in here.”

Kurt’s entire face turns red. His hands are clenched into fists, and they come up to his face, shaking slightly in frustration. “You know what? I can’t do this right now,” he says, shaking his head. He storms past Blaine, not even touching him, heading to the door. “You’re clearly being irrational, and I’m not thinking straight, and I just cannot do this right now. I’m sorry, Blaine, but I just can’t.”

And just like that he breezes past Blaine, and seconds later the door has slammed behind him and Blaine is left alone in the middle of Kurt’s living room, staring at the empty space his boyfriend inhabited only moments ago.

Blaine wants to scream. He probably would scream, but he just realized that his throat feels hoarse from yelling at Kurt.

God, he’d been yelling at Kurt. Kurt had been yelling at him. They’d been _fighting_. He and Kurt have never fought, not like this. Not even when they were just friends. Not even that New Year’s, when Blaine had been so damn angry.

He backs himself up until he’s falling onto Kurt’s couch, and drops his face into his hands, pressing his eyes together to stop himself from crying.

He doesn’t even know what happened. He doesn’t know how it got to this point so fast.

He breathes deeply, as if that will stop him from bursting into tears.

After several deep breaths, he tries to think, logically about everything that happened. How he’d already been on edge because Kurt was late, and his lobster dinner was ruined. Which was his own fault, he knew, he should have asked Kurt if he was free, he should have asked him when he’d be home, but he’d just wanted to surprise him. To give him a nice evening. To be…

His eyes open, eyelashes clumping together thanks to the tears that were filling his eyes.

 _To be perfect_.

He sniffs, leaning back, face going to the ceiling.

He hates that Kurt’s right. He knew he was as he was saying it, but now that he has a moment to actually think things through, he realizes just how right he is. Because Blaine has definitely been doing both of those things; somehow simultaneously expecting more than he should from Kurt, and pushing his own feelings aside to ensure things remain perfect.

A tear leaks down his cheek, and Blaine wipes at it, frustrated. God, he hates this. He hates that Kurt’s right, and he hates that now he has to actually think about this. He’d been doing so well, shoving everything aside, ignoring his insecurities, and now stupid Kurt and his stupid co-worker’s stupid comments have made everything come bubbling up to the surface.

His eyes shut, and a soft breath leaves his lips. Another tear falls down his cheek.

Of course, he knows that he wasn’t actually doing well. Packing his insecurities away was never healthy, and he’s known that from day one. Somehow, though, he rationalized that if he just ignored them long enough, they would go away. If he just made sure that he and Kurt had a perfect relationship, everything would be fine. If he could just be the perfect boyfriend for Kurt, maybe…

His entire body sags as he finally realizes what this is all about. Of course, he knows. He’s known the whole time, just pushed it aside, ignored it, tried to make it seem like it was Kurt who was bringing things up, when really Blaine has been afraid that Kurt will break up with him since they day they started dating.

He feels like he’s been sitting on a razor’s edge for the past two months, and he finally got pushed off. He licks his lips and stares up at the ceiling, wondering if this is what hell feels like.

No wonder he bit Kurt’s head off right away. No wonder things snowballed so spectacularly, so quickly. No wonder his brain jumped there the minute the word ‘mistake’ left Kurt’s mouth.

And now Kurt said he couldn’t do ‘it’ anymore. He closes his eyes tightly, a few more tears trickling out.

He hopes that by ‘it’ he meant the conversation, not their relationship. Though honestly, after that fight, he wouldn’t blame Kurt for pulling the plug.

Maybe he was self-sabotaging himself this whole time.

His chest feels tight as he starts to cry in earnest. He thinks back to his first official date with Kurt; to swaying with him as soft music played in this very living room, to feeding each other bites of cheesecake in between laughs, to kissing and kissing and kissing like they’d never get the chance to kiss again.

It wasn’t supposed to be this hard. He’s known Kurt forever, wanted Kurt forever. Things were supposed to be easy. Kurt was supposed to realize he loved Blaine back, and everything would just click. It happened for Cooper and Rachel, why couldn’t it happen for Kurt and Blaine?

The worst part is that the discovery that their relationship hasn’t been all sunshine and roses didn’t have to hit him this hard. If he hadn’t been so adamant that everything was amazing, that there weren’t any problems because he refused to admit that there were problems, maybe there wouldn’t have been such a blowout. Maybe he wouldn’t have jumped down Kurt’s throat for the smallest thing.

Maybe the reason he was so angry at Kurt for pinning everything on him is that he knew deep down that it actually is his fault.

The buzzer rings, and Blaine tilts his head forward, staring at the front door. He stares, and stares, tears running down his cheeks, until the buzzer goes off again.

He stands up, wiping at his eyes and nose, and walks over to the intercom, not managing to unhook the ear piece before it rings a third time.

“Hello?” he asks, trying not to sound like he’s just been crying. He fails.

“It’s me,” comes Kurt’s voice. “Can you let me in?”

Blaine swallows thickly, holding onto the telephone-like device tightly. “This is your apartment, Kurt.”

“I left my keys inside,” Kurt says. “Please, Blaine?”

Blaine licks his lips, throat dry, and presses down on the button to let Kurt in. He then makes sure the door is unlocked, before heading into the kitchen. There, he rubs water over his face, not wanting Kurt to see how affected he is by their fight.

He’s just started splashing water on his face when he realizes what he’s doing.

He stops instantly, wiping at his face lightly with a couple of paper towels. He knows he must look a mess, but he tries not to care.

Kurt is right. He needs to see when Blaine is upset, and dammit, Blaine is very upset right now.

He’s back in the living room when the door opens, and he looks up to see Kurt walking in carefully. His eyes are bloodshot and puffy, his cheeks a splotchy red, and his hair looks like he’s been trying to pull it out. He looks about as terrible as Blaine feels.

Neither speaks for a few moments, simply staring at each other as Kurt quietly shuts the door behind him.

Finally, Blaine can’t take it. He glances over at the dinner table, where Kurt had placed his bag when he first walked in. “Did you just come back for your keys? Because I think they’re in your bag.”

Kurt shakes his head instantly. “You know I didn’t,” he says.

Blaine presses his lips together tightly. “Kurt--”

“Can we sit?” Kurt asks, eyes flicking back to his couch. Blaine chews on his bottom lip for a second, then nods. He goes to the couch, not looking at Kurt as he does the same. He sits awkwardly at the edge, knees pointed forward. Nothing like how they usually sit when they lounge on the couch together.

He feels the couch dip as Kurt sits down farther away than he usually would. Blaine refuses to turn in his direction, though. He’s trying to build up the courage to apologize to Kurt for his role in their fight, and he knows that if he looks at Kurt he’ll either chicken out, or try and convince himself that this is actually all Kurt’s fault.

Kurt seems to gain his courage before Blaine does, starting with a quiet, “I’m really sorry, Blaine.”

Blaine’s eyes close and he lets out a deep exhale, trying to stop himself from bursting into tears again. He swallows thickly, presses his eyes tighter, and then whispers, “I don’t know why you’re sorry.”

Kurt snorts, though he doesn’t sound joyful at all. “Everything I was saying before, it was all coming out wrong,” he says. Blaine’s chin wobbles as he thinks _because of me, because I put you on the spot even though you asked me not to, because I kept putting words in your mouth, because I--_

Kurt snorts again, this one followed by a scoff. “Actually, that’s the understatement of the century. Everything was coming out horrifically.” He’s quiet for a moment, then continues. “It was only when I got out of my building and pulled my phone out that I realized how wrong my emphasis had been.”

Blaine frowns, finally daring to glance over at Kurt. His boyfriend is staring at him with wide, careful eyes, his whole body facing Blaine. “Your phone?” he asks, not sure if he heard right.

Kurt nods. “I was scrolling through my contacts, trying to find someone to vent to. First I thought Cooper, but he’s your brother. Then Mercedes, but she always takes your side. Sam and Rachel would tell Mercedes and Cooper, which would make not calling Mercedes or Cooper pointless. Quinn and Tina would be too thoughtful about it all, and ultimately take your side, too.” He picks at the skin around his nails, and Blaine’s frown deepens. He moves his hand to stop Kurt from doing it, but stops himself, unsure if he’s even allowed.

“That’s when I realized that there was really only one person I wanted to talk to about this,” Kurt continues, eyes closing briefly. When they open, they’re full of tears, and Blaine’s heart hurts at the sight of them.

“Who?” Blaine asks, heart pounding painfully in his chest.

Kurt smiles, his face the very picture of bittersweet as he does so. “You,” he says, voice soft. “You, Blaine. Whenever anything happens to me, you’re always the first person I want to talk to. You’re the only person whose opinion I actually care about. You’re the most important person in my life.” He sniffs, looking down. “Realizing that made me realize how wrong my emphasis was. For some reason, I kept thinking about the mistakes I made with Elliott, when really what scares me is the higher stakes.”

“To be fair,” Blaine whispers. “I kind of kept throwing the word ‘mistake’ back in your face.”

“Yeah, but still. I got so caught up in our fight that I lost sight of the real problem.”

Blaine can’t stand to look at him anymore, his heart feeling like it’s ripping apart. “Which was?”

“That I can’t imagine my life without you in it,” Kurt replies. “That the mere idea of us ending up like me and Elliott  sent me spiralling.” He shakes his head softly. “I can’t… Blaine, we never talked about what happens if this doesn’t work. And I don’t want you to hear me saying that I don’t think it will,” Kurt says quickly. Blaine presses his lips together, guilt flooding him as he hears Kurt say it. “Because I want it to, Blaine. I want it to work so bad. But there’s still a small chance that it won’t, and the fact that I don’t know what would happen if it doesn’t, that all I have for reference is what happened with Elliott…” Blaine glances up, eyes meeting Kurt’s, heart shattering into a million pieces.

“I can’t do that, Blaine,” Kurt says. “I can’t not have you in my life anymore. Not just because our lives are so entangled and everybody would obviously take your side if we broke up,” Blaine can’t help but roll his eyes a little at that. Kurt has always overestimated how much people like him. “But because I hate the idea of never talking to you again. Of never seeing you, of not hearing your voice. You’re--” his voice cracks, and he ducks his head. He clears his throat, then continues, “You’re everything to me, Blaine. The thought of losing you just made me panic, and… well. You saw what happened.”

Blaine shifts slightly on the couch, turning his body so that his knees face Kurt just a little bit. “I’m scared of losing you, too,” he whispers. Kurt looks up, and Blaine forces himself to hold his gaze. “I mean, obviously.”

Kurt takes a deep breath, then reaches out and takes Blaine’s hand. It’s the first physical contact they’ve had since Kurt kissed him hello, and it makes Blaine want to cry.

“Do you think,” he starts, looking at Blaine with an intensity that leaves him breathless, “that we could re-do that whole conversation? This time without accusations, without assumptions, and giving each other time to think?”

Blaine can’t help but smile ever so slightly as Kurt says it. “Those are all aimed at me, huh?”

Kurt shakes his head instantly. “And me,” he says. “Both of us. Can we?”

Blaine nods. “Can you do me a favour though?” he asks. When Kurt nods, Blaine says, “Can you just,” he squeezes Kurt’s hand tightly, “give me one of those if I start to get irrational? Or if you need me to calm down? Because I can’t promise that I won’t get upset by this conversation, but I don’t want that to stop us from having it.”

“I understand,” Kurt assures. “And I can definitely do that. Holding your hand isn’t exactly a hardship for me.”

“Same here,” Blaine says. “Kind of the opposite, actually.”

Kurt smiles at him, then takes another deep breath and says, “Blaine. The reason I was upset that my co-worker confused you with Elliott is because he said it was the same story, and that stuck with me. My story with Elliott ended horribly, partially because we never really communicated our intentions with each other. We just jumped into a relationship and never talked about what would happen if it didn’t work out.”

“To be fair,” Blaine says, trying not to sound like he’s interrupting, “that’s not a conversation that most couples have right off the bat.”

“I know, but we weren’t like most couples, and neither are you and I,” Kurt says. “We have so much history, Blaine. _Painful_ history. Ending things with Elliott was hard, but ending things with you would just…” he trails off, shaking his head. “It would absolutely devastate me.”

Blaine looks down at their interlocked hands. “It’s so hard for me not to just say ‘so don’t ever break up with me’ right now.”

“I wish it were that easy,” Kurt says. “And honestly, Blaine, I think we’re going to make it. I really do. But if we don’t…”

“I’ll be angry, Kurt, I’m not going to lie,” Blaine says. “Or, I assume I will be, as you’ll have to be the one breaking up with me.”

“You can’t--”

“I know you say that, but I don’t think you really understand, Kurt. I _can’t_. The mere idea of breaking up with you tears me apart inside. The thought of doing something to make you break up with me eats me alive. I spend half my day pretending that I’m not constantly worried that you’ll realize this was all a huge mistake.”

Kurt’s eyes begin to water. “Really?” his voice is barely a whisper.

Blaine shrugs lightly. “I thought if I just ignored the feeling, it would go away.”

“Christ,” Kurt says. “And then I marched in here, shoving the word ‘mistake’ in your face…” Blaine watches his Adam’s apple bob. “No wonder you got so angry.”

“Don’t try and act like that somehow excuses it,” Blaine says. “You’re right; this fear I have that you’re going to leave me, it’s been hindering our relationship. I have this idea in my head of how everything should go, and when things don’t work out, I get upset, but pretend that I’m not, because I’m worried you’ll leave me if you see that I’m disappointed.”

“I wouldn’t, Blaine. Never because of that.”

Blaine looks back down to their hands. “Part of me knows that,” he says. “The logical part. But then there’s another part of me that keeps saying that if I’m not perfect, if things aren’t _perfect_ , then you’ll realize that this isn’t worth it. That I’m not worth it.”

“Whatever ‘it’ is, I promise that you are.” Kurt lifts Blaine’s hand up to his lips and presses the softest kiss there. “Every second with you is worth it.”

Blaine rubs his thumb over the top of Kurt’s hand. “I want to believe that,” he whispers. “But I have this voice in my head, constantly telling me that I wasn’t enough for twelve years, so why am I suddenly enough now?” He flicks his eyes up to meet Kurt’s, and sees the way his eyes are wide, obviously upset. “I know, it’s stupid.”

“It’s not stupid, Blaine,” Kurt promises. “Oh, my god. No, it’s not stupid at all. I don’t…” Blaine can hear him swallowing, and his voice comes out warbled as he continues, clearly fighting tears, “I don’t know what to do to make that go away.”

“Kurt, you don’t have to do anything. It’s me, it’s my problem, I just have to--”

“No,” Kurt says, shaking his head. “No, you know what,” he squeezes Blaine’s hand tight, and Blaine gasps. “From now on, as soon as I see you put your own feelings aside for me, I’m calling you out, because I won’t stand for it anymore. I want you to be my _boyfriend_ , Blaine. My equal. I don’t want someone who exists to make me feel better about myself, I want _you_. All of you. And that includes the parts that are hard.” He squeezes Blaine’s hand again. “Also, this isn’t just your problem. I caused this. I spent years being so damn blind, not seeing what was right in front of me, and then I didn’t even consider that that might have repercussions on a relationship between us. I can’t…” he shakes his head. “I wish I could go back in time and smack myself upside the head.”

“I wanted to do that to you several times myself, to be honest,” Blaine admits. “Basically every time I’d catch you staring at my ass, and then you’d act like it was nothing.”

“Sheesh,” Kurt rolls his eyes in self-deprecation. “It’s… it would be funny, if it didn’t fuck everything up so much, huh?”

“Yeah,” Blaine says quietly, looking down at the floor. “But it’s not just you. I’ve been making things harder than they need to be, putting all these expectations on you and then not even telling you when you’re not meeting them. That’s kind of fucked up, too.”

“Just a little,” Kurt says. “I still shouldn’t have brought it up the way I did.”

Blaine shrugs, though his heart gives a small pang. “I’m not going to lie, Kurt, it hurt, and definitely felt like you were shifting blame.” He meets Kurt’s eyes, then shrugs again. “I’m kind of glad you did, though. Otherwise I may not have even realized I was doing it.”

“I’m sure you would have, eventually.”

Blaine shakes his head. “You’d be surprised. I’m pretty good at lying to myself, and pushing things aside.” He tightens his grip on Kurt’s hand. “Never thought I’d be able to do it around you, though.”

“I wish you wouldn’t,” Kurt says. “I know it’s not that easy, but I just…” he sighs. “I want us to be honest with each other, Blaine. That’s the only way we’ll make this work. If you’re upset with me, tell me about it. If I’m upset with you, I’ll tell you about it, without making it sound like I want to break up with you. Because I don’t, Blaine.” He lets go of Blaine’s hand, bringing his hands up to cup Blaine’s face. “I swear to god that I don’t.”

Blaine can’t help but smile, even though his heart still hurts. “That doesn’t mean much, since I know you don’t believe in god.”

“Then I swear on my family, Blaine,” Kurt says, completely serious. “And I will keep swearing to you that I don’t want to break up with you until you believe it.”

Blaine brings a hand up to cover one of Kurt’s. “How did a fight about your worries about us breaking up turn into you swearing on your family that we’ll never break up?”

Kurt sighs, fingers running over Blaine’s face gently, hands barely moving. “I don’t want you to hear me saying that,” he replies. “Because I can’t actually swear that we’ll never break up. I don’t know what the future holds, as much as I wish I did.” He leans his face forward, until his forehead rests against Blaine’s. “But I promise that right now, I have no intention of breaking up with you. I want this to work, Blaine. I want…” he sighs again, and the warmth of it hits Blaine’s lips. “I want us to be ‘it’.”

Blaine smiles. “Even though you begged me to stop calling us that earlier?”

“Yeah,” Kurt says. “I’m sorry about that, Blaine. I was all up in my head, and--”

“I put you on the spot,” Blaine says. “You asked me not to, but I still did, and look what happened.”

“Don’t try and take all the blame here, Blaine,” Kurt says. “I won’t let you.”

Blaine’s eyes shut lightly, and he takes a short moment to enjoy this closeness with Kurt. He opens his eyes again, and softly asks, “We have problems with communication, don’t we?”

“I know I do,” Kurt says. “Like I said, it’s what doomed my relationship with Elliott. We never actually talked, about anything. Not just about what might happen if we broke up, but about our future. We hadn’t even discussed getting married when he asked me to marry him.”

Blaine shakes his head, taking Kurt’s with him. “I promise to talk to you in depth about the topic before asking you to marry.”

“Yeah?” Kurt asks.

“Yeah,” he replies.

“And about contingency plans, in case this relationship ends the opposite way?”

Blaine takes a moment to collect himself, knowing what he has to say, but kind of afraid to say it. He leans away from Kurt, though keeps his hand over Kurt’s, so that Kurt’s hand remains on his face.

“I want to talk about it,” he admits. “I do. But I’m worried that if we do it just the two of us, it’ll turn into what we were doing before. Yelling, screaming, miscommunicating. I don’t want that.”

“So, you want someone else with us?” Kurt asks, frowning.

Blaine presses his lips together tightly, then says, “Not just anyone. I think…” he shuts his eyes as he takes a deep breath, then looks at Kurt and says, “I think we should go to therapy.”

Kurt stares at him for a moment, lips parted slightly. His facial features shift slightly, softening, and he says, “I think you’re right.”

Blaine’s eyes widen in surprise. “Really?” he asks. “You aren’t… you don’t think that’s crazy?”

“Like I said,” Kurt rubs a thumb over Blaine’s bottom lip, and Blaine shivers. “We aren’t a normal relationship. Most couples shouldn’t have to go to couples therapy after two months, but most couples don’t have twelve years of painful history behind them. So, I say lets do it.”

“Yeah?” Blaine asks, hopelessly relieved that Kurt has taken his suggestion.

“Yeah,” Kurt repeats. “I want to make this relationship work, Blaine. I want us to last. If we have to go to couple’s therapy to help us get over our communication problems, and give us a better future, then let’s do that.”

“I’m so glad you think that,” Blaine says. “Because, I think… I think we do need it. Help.” He leans his cheek into Kurt’s hand. “As much as I hate to admit it, we aren’t as good at being together as I wanted us to be.”

“Hey,” Kurt smiles at him, and his eyes sparkle with it. “You said something honest and slightly negative about our relationship.”

Blaine narrows his eyes at Kurt, though this time he feels playful as he does so. “I kind of feel like I’ve been doing that for a while now, Kurt.”

“Still,” Kurt says. “This was so explicit. I’m proud of you.”

Blaine chuckles softly, and Kurt smiles as he does. “Good,” he replies.

“See?” Kurt smiles a little wider. “We’re already making progress.”

“Look at us,” Blaine shimmies a little. “Having mature discussions.”

“It’s like we’re in an adult relationship, or something,” Kurt teases, and Blaine smiles softly.

“I’m glad,” he says. “That we’re in an adult relationship,” he clarifies at Kurt’s confused look. “I know you feel guilty about making me wait so long, but I think I needed to as much as you did. I had to grow up, to realize that I could be without you. If we had started dating when I was eighteen, or even just a few years ago…” he shakes his head, thinking back on his past self, especially in regards to Kurt. “Let’s just say that what happened today is nothing compared to the blowouts we would have had then.”

“Guess we both needed to grow up a little, huh?”

“Still do, if we’re being honest.”

“Which we always should be,” Kurt says.

“And we will be, from now on. Even if you have to force me.”

Kurt smiles again, then leans forward slowly and slots their lips together. Blaine smiles into the kiss, and brings his own hand up to cup Kurt’s cheek.

“I love you,” Kurt says. “So much.”

Blaine rests their foreheads together again, finally feeling peace for the first time since Kurt walked into the apartment what feels like an eternity ago.

“I love you, too.”

**Author's Note:**

> [rebloggable on tumblr ](http://klaineanummel.tumblr.com/post/170395776305/long-live-the-car-crash-hearts)


End file.
